I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
