in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
