Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
