why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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