dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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