How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
