her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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