if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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