Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
