Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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