Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
