i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
COCAINE IS GR8
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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