im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
