i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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