So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
