dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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