Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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