I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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