Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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