I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
