I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
