im drinking this country out of the recession.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
