Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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