My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
