i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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