Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
