turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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