Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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