i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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