im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Randomize
