i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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