I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
