if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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