I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My vagina is officially offended.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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