i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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