gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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