Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
