this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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