Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
