your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
how drunk are you?
Several
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
