dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
