This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
