And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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