Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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