never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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