Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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