genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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