btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
