I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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