my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
