His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
