I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
