I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
