I want to make a zoo with you.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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