I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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