I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
