i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
