why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize