I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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