theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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