I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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